Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
