Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
