1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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