i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
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I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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