this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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