I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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