Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
