i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
