I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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