Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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