Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
