I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
