I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
