I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
