take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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