I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
