Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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