i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
