There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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