if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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