mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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