I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
