I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So many bounce houses so little time
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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