If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
