Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
