We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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