I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
