Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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