my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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