Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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