my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
