i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
