I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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