you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
