Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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