I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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