sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
