mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
