I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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