Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
