I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
