no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
