You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
