The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.