I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
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I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
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When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable