I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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