As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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