she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
