She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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