census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
