Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
