dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.