i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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