found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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