so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
