i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
ok first of all what the fuck
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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