So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
