i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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