you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
